Were but my world contained

in a note of music

I would be ever satisfied

ever filled on harmony

riding on eternity of living

in all the fullness of affirming

breaths in and out.

But chaos consumes when that note

is seduced by the ugly pride

and runs wild with its tentacles

in open fields of weeds

seeking something… anything

to latch on to

hissing out its poison

hurting anything its path.

Oh, Most High

my heart, my head, my spoken words

would your love unite

until my dying breath

that I may never again wallow in regret

instead be only praises

on the melody that beckons the living

in the ever and a day.

Throughout my life has been a habitual process of beating myself up when I screw up and it creates a spiral leading to nowhere good and fast.

Studying the scriptures and living in a prayer of asking the Holy Spirit to come alive in me every day has been extraordinary in transforming my life and how I interact with people. With the focus on love, I try to remain, but there are circumstances that test me and I will be honest, I fail – gloriously.

Recently, I experienced a moment my ego, my stubborn pride wanted to make a point and I didn’t have the fortitude to suppress something that was the opposite of love. I hurt someone dear in this pointing out. I didn’t build her up as scriptures tells us to, and I might have felt justified in the moment, but boy was that moment short lived because I stewed and stressed about it for all that day and the next.

“So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another.” ~ Romans 14:19

Hurt feelings. My mind was spinning it over and over. My heart and body was not happy.  That’s what I accomplished.

Not only did I finally (hopefully finally) get that it was not worth it to give my pride the floor, but another opportunity presented itself. I could continue to let my misguided ways fester or I could give it to God expressing my sorrow and ask him to make it right, or use it for his good purpose.

In that giving, there came peace in knowing it was in his hands now. There came ease and softness with myself, which was a welcome gift.

I can live in the knowing that more opportunities to learn to be and speak with love will come. I also know I’m not always going to get it right, but I’m sure going to work on emulating that love.

Poem: The Everlasting Note by Kiernan Antares