I cannot… I absolutely cannot… even after months… get through this song without His Grace and Glory coming up in me from the depths of my soul.
And all the earth will shout Your praise
Our hearts will cry, these bones will sing
Great are You, Lord
In Part One I announce that something life changing was happening to me this year. In Part Two I plunged forward and revealed that I answered the call from God and was given new life in Christ through baptism.
There was so much more than I can comprehend taking place in between. But, these massive in-between bits led this former new-ager who struggled with guilt, shame, indecision and insecurities, into becoming a Christian woman of substance, deep conviction and fully ready to commit to the Lord and my beloved.
Always I found faults and looked for cracks… anything to excuse why I could not commit… to my heart, my passions, my relationships. Always keeping doors open in case I needed an exit, which I usually did.
Studying the Bible changed everything. It made me get real with myself and it made me get right with God.
The Word came alive in me. How is it possible for a book to come alive and know me so personally? Know my every thought and deed? Know where I’ve struggled, where I’ve fallen, how I’ve been broken, and the emptiness… the aching emptiness longing to be filled?
As I opened the pages to my first study assignment:
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”
~ John 1:1-5 NIV
I took slow deep breaths reading again… ‘In the beginning was the Word’…
My eyes drifted closed… my hands touched the pages… smoothing across… feeling something happening in the paper… ‘In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God’…
My fingers caressed the Word… the silky, smooth skin of paper… my eyes sparkling grabbed hold and this book… it began to feel so very Holy… ‘In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.’
I watched my hands bring this Holy Book up to my heart to rest there.
How did it know that Words were one of my most favourite thing, my most prized, delighted and coveted thing to behold?
And the poetic nature of it? What did it mean? What was it really saying?
So much more than what I was interpreting in those moments, I would discover over the months of continuing studies.
But still… the words… the Word…
How was it possible that I had been so critical and skeptical of this Holy Book that could reach down into the depths of my life and turn it into something new, without even having read it?
It quickened me.
It gave me hope.
It made me see.
It made me feel.
It provided me with a refuge to pour out my heart and take a good honest look at my life. I know that’s not an easy thing for many, because it’s so much easier to blame everything and everyone else for our circumstances, rather than take responsibility.
But the truth came a knocking and something deep deep deep inside told me that this was the Way… The Truth… The Light.
I prayed… hard… every day… to get right with God… to get right with my life and to get right with the people in my life.
Tangled difficult relationships with my beloved’s daughters, “Lord help me! Please help me create peace and harmony!”
And… I knew when the moments came… Holy Holy Holy answered my prayers, ‘I’m so sorry for all the pain I’ve caused’ was what it took to soften, broken hardened hearts. Letting go of all my grievances brought me closer to Love and to God.
“Why, oh why Lord can I not be the daughter my parents need me to be towards the end of their lives? The daughter your Word tells me I must be in your house?”
Hmmm… Ah… I see anger… I see fear… I see… resentment. They are going to leave me one day… soon. I might as well put up walls and live behind them instead of love them well in the here and now.
The things that started becoming clear, one-by-one… a roadmap for living beautifully alive in the Word.
Looking into my heart, no stones unturned, but one. The scariest one. It shook me, rattled me, ravaged me.
In one breath… one realization… my heart revealed the depth of my feelings of unworthiness of love.
Love Broke Me Open… it spit me out and demanded that I know the truth… that God loved me and He will not forsake me… but I had a choice to make.
Could I commit… Would I commit… to LOVE… to Love… to love?
And so, the love story goes…
The music cued, and Josh Groban’s ‘When You Say You Love Me’ floated out on the breeze. As my son walked me to the alter, every emotion… every shade of love heaved in my chest, and threatened to spill over.
Then I saw him.
Standing there looking so handsome.
Waiting for me.
I witnessed us taking each other in, then our eyes locked, and the only thing I heard from that moment on was the song that was written in our hearts.
I saw nothing else but him… and the love and adoration in his eyes.
As God is my witness, the joy on this day is without question, without hesitation the result of His Word, His compelling, alive words, at work breaking me open to know love… all kinds of love.
Honestly, there’s no way prior to a few short weeks ago that I could possibly dream… or imagine… that this joy would be possible.
Yes, I feel deeply, as my favourite minister says. I wear my heart and my truth inside out… for all to see.
God has instilled me with a yen… a yearning… for the written word… how to describe?? Ah… here it is;
“Gracious words are a honeycomb,
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”
~ Proverbs 16:24
And, they seem to want to come pouring out now more than ever. More willfully than ever. That’s why my work and this website is undergoing changes. To make room for the Words, for the works that are waiting to come to this refuge to fill the empty aching place inside… for all those who need inspiration, encouragement, hope… for those hearts who are seeking and ready to be quickened.
May you be blessed by Love,
Kiernan
“LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup;
You make my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
Surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
Even at night my heart instructs me.
I will keep my eyes always on the LORD.
With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.”
~ Psalm 16:5-8 NIV
